only three???

one of my favorite customers gave me this silly little "homework assignment" yesterday

- come to work tomorrow with your THREE all time favorite songs

WTF??

choose just THREE??

ALL TIME???

pisshhaaawwww!!!!

so naturally, much like i have done in all of my academic endeavors, i procrastinated.  which, in one day, doesn't buy you ANY time.  

so when he came by the next day, literally bouncing to hear our faves, i told him i didn't do it.

i just "forgot"

truth is, 

i don't want to share that with anyone.

thats MINE

those songs mean so much to me- and there are many more than just THREE- so why would I put myself out there to anyone??  music is more than that.  it is ever-changing, it means more or less to you depending on what you're dealing with or going through at any one particular time.  so- i fudged them some.

blah blah blah....

Doobie Brothers "without love"- for Dad.

then for nostalgic reasons: "amber" by 311 (yeah, I'm old- i get it)

anything recent by Miguel (dreamy sigh)

and then derrrrr, afterwards though of one of my faves- John mayer (don't hate)

dont know what it is- maybe the INCREDIBLE way the boy plays the guitar, or the lyrics, or something else, but I LOVE THIS SONG!!! yeah, I've heard he's kinda a prick- but seriously...if the first 30 seconds of this song don't make you need to just BREATHE in and out ONCE- then you're an asshole. 

http://youtu.be/Bn0NLQI-l08

(yeah- a LINK.  I'm still a moron when it comes to this blog thing- so if you know how to post an actual effing video from youtube to this using my ipad, id love to hear it)

what i am thinking RIGHT NOW

i think that life is just a big mind fuck.

you go through it wondering "why", that transitions to 

"why, not" which only leads to 

"why the fuck"

you think that youre doing it "right"

being good at everything that society tells you youre supposed to be good at

be smart

be GOOD LOOKING

be loyal

be honest

be fun

be charming

be carefree

be PERFECT

be selfless

be everything to everyone, all the time. 

...but what does that get YOU??

good fucking question 

ps- i literally wrote "be selfless" FOUR FUCKING TIMES before I edited this..... 

wonder what I've been focused on BEING......

yet, still not enough.  awesome.  

"i want you to be all mine"

well okay, 

but do you mind

if i keep some of myself,

for myself

so that when you leave me

there is still something left?

-Jackson Lange

fear

the word defined by websters as:

"a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined: the feeling or condition of being afraid."

cut and dry, right?

not so much. 
what websters forgets to point out, is that this word is so POWERFUL. 
it has the ability to control, manipulate, twist, influence, and seriously fuck you up. 

i know- trust me. 

I really love words. but this word and I are going through a bit of a rough patch right now. 
there have been a few rare times that something that I viewed as a fearful or dangerous were actually found out to be camouflaged in what I took to be fearful. 
quitting school:
marriage:
giving birth:
falling in love:

each one of these things/events/monuments, have all been bitter-sweet.  in that, they were all once saturated with fear yet, brought the complete opposite result of what i anticipated.  

but now i see fear in so many places.  not only in myself but in those i care so much about.  

how do you tell someone to STOP letting fear of the result deny you the pleasure of the experience when you have done nothing but take pleasure in the experience and deny yourself the realization of the possible and probable result.  

so obviously the word "fear" and i are in a very heated love/hate relationship right now.  

any guesses as to who's coming out on top in this one??  :)

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'i feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them.  you are not alone."

-Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

........overwhelmed

it was over a year ago that I heard this song for the first time.  i had no idea what kind of feelings it would bring up in just hearing it now.  

the memories of feelings.  

the realizations that i've lost what attaches me to these happy things.   

the first time i heard this song, i had one of those moments that i didn't know happened when it did.  one of those "if i only knew then what i know now" kind of moments.  

unfortunately, I now know that i knew love in this.

in pain i know that im grateful that i had it.

http://youtu.be/hqJ8hFgYwVg

ps- sorry I only have a link- haven't figured out how to post the actual video on here yet.  meh. 

now what

At one time, I thought this was what happy felt like.
that i was supposed to be right here.

music of now

some of my most memorable moments owing up involved music.
my parents went to a Doobie Brothers concert on my moms due date with me. strange but true. my dad loved the Doobies and toting his VERY pregnant wife along to the concert was a bonus: he got great seats which were normally reserved for disabled patrons but in this case, would make one soon to be dad, the happiest man on earth.
my dad also used to wake my sisters and I up on summer break by playing some of his favorite "tunes" loud enough to not only shake the windows but also four girls that stayed up too late watching "Legend", "Labyrinth" or cheesy informercials out of bed. we would whine, yell, bitch and moan about it but he just smiled and danced around the house, opening up all the doors and windows as he went, letting in as much of the summer air as he could.

it was miserable but memorable.


I am rediscovering this passion for music and really noticing that I have no particular "style" or genera. I just like what I feel. So- I will be posting a few songs here and there that I may be "feeling" in that moment. bear with me folks.

so in honor of Dad:

http://youtu.be/BlAmc9Nnebk

side note: He got to meet the Doobies in the months prior to his accident. I remember waking up to an extremely happy voicemail that he left me. `

weak

please.......

no more games.
no more tests.
no more wondering, stress, second guessing.
no more feeling unworthy, broken, temporary.

happy place.......

I WANT

love the idea of this post- i think this is one of the ones I can go back to several times a year and just reflect of what I have down, retype it, think about it and seriously THINK about. kinda nice to just be called out every now and then by yourself.




To have:

*a home
*someone to share it with
*happiness
*FUN
*knowledge in what I want and how to get there
*drive


To see:

*more than ever thought possible
*myself
*how far i can be pushed. by myself and those around me
*a sunset. in the arms of someone who will NEVER let me go
*my babies grow up happy, healthy, loved and knowledgeable
*tomorrow CLEARLY

To know

*what i really WANT
*who i really want
*how to stand up for myself
*who I am now that i am not "me" anymore
*how to speak clearly, accurately, honestly and without regret


To go:

*AWAY
*more specifically: FAR AWAY.
I've always had this desire to travel.
not just a little distance, I'm talking three layovers, stuck in an airport for 8 hours only to arrive in an amazing place that you would never believe you were seeing in person. in absolute AWE of your environment. i want to be brought to tears with what I am seeing, experiencing, and doing. I want to be lost in translation. put in a place that makes me take a breath and BE THERE. not other choice but to BE.
and if I could share it with someone who, without speaking a word to eachother, knew exactly how I felt at that moment only because they felt the same exact way.....yeah, the dream.



To Be:

*ME. without apology.
*unrelenting
*STRONG
*free
*happy
*safe
*beautiful
*honest not only to others but to MYSELF

*L O V E D




...........and you????

worth

What is your worth??

I dont know that anyone should ever REALLY ask this question.. i think its completely different to ask it to yourself than it is to ask it of others.  you may never really know what truly is.  thats life.  thats living.  that really IS part of figuring out WHO you are.  unfortunately, I am like most people.. I base my worth off of what others think of me.  off of how i am of use to others lives.  the impact I have on others lives, how I am useful in others' successes, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, distraction from reality and really where I seem to fit in to THEIR lives.
When do you really face reality that your worth is only what you make it??   When do you REALLY take charge of your happiness and decide that you are really WORTH the fight??
I am really there.  I am figuring out my worth.  And yeah, it may not be much,  but it is MINE.  and I'll be damned to have little to no impact on the outcome of this.  its way too valuable.
My Dad always told me to "treat others how you want to be treated".  Really, Dad?!  Sooooo much easier said than done!
I might be the worst person I know in regards to these words of wisdom.  Not in the assumed way.  But that I don't think I really ALLOW myself to be treated the way I treat others.  I have a genuine love for the people I surround myself with.  I absolutely LOVE my friends. They are so meaningful to me.  I have always been picky about the people I surround myself with.  I think that this part of life only gets more and more complicated and valuable the older you get.
OLDER-yep  I'm so there.  the fact that I am the age that i am and literally starting over is so frightening yet freeing at the same time.  You go on this path of "knowing" what you want.  "knowing that this is your destiny- just to figure out that YOU. HAD. NO. IDEA.
wow- where do you even begin to start over again.  Who do you turn to to figure out what happened with the life you had planned for so long.  Worked so hard for and NEVER thought for a fleeting second would ever go away.

I'm there.

and absolutely

lost.

when will I FINALLY feel what I've always wanted to feel.
With no consequences. With no regret. Just taken at face value.

the good, the bad, the ugly.
the damaged, used, abused.
the needy, self conscious, frightened.
the loving, caring, selfless.
the fun, free and living out loud.

the unknown in me that will always be there. no matter where I am I will be in this place of questioning my worth. its inevitable. be it caused by my past, present, or literally my gender- I may always be a mess. I think the best way to describe me would be a "hot mess"
yeah- I'll take that.
for now.

but I will find my worth.
i will know where I lie.
and i will be in awe of it.
someday

but for now........I have no fucking clue.

day of LOVE?

Today is Valentines day.  ugh.....

I think this is such a strange "holiday". pretty sure it was created so that candy and card companies, florists, and any business selling or involved in any form of contraception, can make a BOATLOAD of money. 
then in the days following this "holiday", they can make even MORE money from all the poor saps that screwed up the first time around trying to make it up to their significant other. 
Sigh....here I go 
but it also has got me thinking a lot about LOVE. 
oh, crap......
I was asked several times in the last year what it is that I WANT.
simple, right?  yeah, not so much.  literally three things that I  have always wanted.

*to be LOVED
*to be WANTED
*to be HAPPY


pretty sure these three things can all be lumped into one but I am also pretty sure that each one is so much more complicated than the word implies.  love.  such a simple, unintimidating set of 4 little letters.  that when placed in such a way, can become so complex, so full, so sweet, and so hard to explain. 
Not only do I want these three "little" things, I am now realizing that I need them.  I have to demand them.
how the hell do you demand something from someone that you are trying to figure out the meaning of?  when what those things are and how to show them is constantly changing? 

you don't demand them.

you earn them
you communicate what you need right now
and if that is too much you figure it out together. 

I am learning.  I am trying to figure out how to allow myself to be loved.  figuring out what that means.  not just demanding that of others but of myself. 

screw "love languages".  we all have the same one- COMMUNICATION.  its the most difficult thing to learn.  but its so vital in love. 

I know that I want to be heard.  I want to listen.  I want to laugh.  I want the physical and emotional bond that only real love can bring.  the kind that you think about all day.  that makes you smile at random times.  I need that. we all do.  we just have to figure out HOW. 

Easier said than done, huh?


Except with love like this......

                                                           


 

passion

 passion. 
what does that mean? 
this is something I've been really trying to challenge myself to honestly think about lately.  there are, in my opinion, different definitions of this word to different people.  it changes.  in looking into the literal meaning of the word, it isn't defined exactly either.  which makes me feel comforted in my own confusion in my passions and how they seem to differ so greatly.
i don't think you ever really focus on your true passions unless you are in some way, forced to by some greater force than you.  I don't know that the force that has made me think of my passions is greater than me, but it does effect me.  it does take a part of me.  it really does make me who I am.  I know that I have always craved this control over my life and where it is going.  What it entails.  What excites me and fulfills me.  I don't know that I will ever be set in that again.  What I do KNOW is that I am going to be truly PASSIONATE.  any way I can.  I need that.  everyone does.  it is your human right- to live passionately.  and if you don't know how- figure it the FUCK out!

Etymology

Via French, from Latin passio ("suffering"), noun of action from perfect passive participle passus ("suffered"), from deponent verbpati ("suffer").

[edit]

.........Yep.

the beginning?

This is the second time I have started a blog.  The first one I wrote documented the beginning of  a new life.  A life as a mom.  I had no idea what I was doing with that blog, or really, this one either.  I just know that getting my thoughts, feelings, interests, questions and observations about my life and what it entails feels like a good idea right now.  I know I wont write all the time.  And when I do, it may not flow or make much sense.  But it will be me.  As authentically as I know how at this moment. 
My life, again, is starting a new chapter.  I feel a lot like I did when I was preparing for motherhood.  Scared, lost, excited, challenged, overwhelmed.  But this time, the focus has shifted. 

 

pretty little number, isn't she?