fin

here he is.....

kick ass

I have this incredible drive right now to find "happy".  its hard to figure out the older you get and the more you change.  im pretty sure that when I was little,  "happy" was anywhere i was with my sisters.  any place that we were just able to play and BE kids was happy.  

no yelling, no fighting, no judgement, no fear, just Happy.  

through my entire educational career i was always, as my fifth grade teacher put it in one of my parent/teacher conferences, "a social butterfly".  so naturally, i was happy with friends.  i was (and may still be) a perpetual people pleaser.  this lead me to compete.  constantly.  i didnt just compete in the social realm, i was also extremely competitive in a physical way in sports.  i played a sport every season of the year as soon as i was old enough to.  "kick ass and take names" as my dad would constantly encourage me.  

i fought mentally to stay strong while i watched my parents marriage implode.  strong while my mom focused her jealous anger at me because my dad loved me so much that she felt threatened by it and had to mentally tear me apart every chance she had.  strong while i kept her secret affairs that i witnessed with my own eyes, hidden from everyone because she threatened my life and the happiness of my family if i ever let that secret out.  the whole time still competing with her drug addiction.  for her love.  for the real her.  

when she left us.  i shut down.  i really dont remember much from that chunk of time.  although it turned into a roughly 6 year blur- I survived it.  and that made me feel a twinge of pride.

pride in survival, pride in being strong enough to "make it through".  

that pride has become this sort of monster that makes me feel like failure is not even close to an 

option.  it has created self doubt, sef conciousness, and at times a good case (or ten) of the crazies.  

i am struggling to find a new comfort zone now.  i thought i had it in a husband, a home, a family, plenty of friends, a job that allowed a sense of comfort, and pride in...(my act was TIGHT!)  

now it seems as though one by one i have seen these go away. FAST.  

i am grasping to hold on to some piece of "me" that kept the life i had together.

strength has kinda always been my thing- and i lost that....until recently.

i am done waiting on others- i am going to be happy.  to FIND happy.  

as scary as that may be- i am ready.  

i am taking a step back, in a way.  back to my uber competitive days where i just fought constantly to BE STRONG.  i may be competing in a new environment but im used to fighting.  i just needed to allow myself to be weak for a while.  you cant be strong all the time.  its exhausting.  you cant be present in the moment and really soak in what youre experiencing: good or bad.  and arent those experiences what have made us who we are?  its strange to say it but im excited to take the challenge.  i have had to really be honest with the people i have been effected by the last year about where i am.  thats not fun to go through on either end.  but how can you expect to not have regrets down the road if youre not honest about how you feel right now?

i dont have the answers. 

i just know that i am ready to live my life passionately. intensely. honestly and fully.       

im ready to kick ass and take names again.