I WANT

love the idea of this post- i think this is one of the ones I can go back to several times a year and just reflect of what I have down, retype it, think about it and seriously THINK about. kinda nice to just be called out every now and then by yourself.




To have:

*a home
*someone to share it with
*happiness
*FUN
*knowledge in what I want and how to get there
*drive


To see:

*more than ever thought possible
*myself
*how far i can be pushed. by myself and those around me
*a sunset. in the arms of someone who will NEVER let me go
*my babies grow up happy, healthy, loved and knowledgeable
*tomorrow CLEARLY

To know

*what i really WANT
*who i really want
*how to stand up for myself
*who I am now that i am not "me" anymore
*how to speak clearly, accurately, honestly and without regret


To go:

*AWAY
*more specifically: FAR AWAY.
I've always had this desire to travel.
not just a little distance, I'm talking three layovers, stuck in an airport for 8 hours only to arrive in an amazing place that you would never believe you were seeing in person. in absolute AWE of your environment. i want to be brought to tears with what I am seeing, experiencing, and doing. I want to be lost in translation. put in a place that makes me take a breath and BE THERE. not other choice but to BE.
and if I could share it with someone who, without speaking a word to eachother, knew exactly how I felt at that moment only because they felt the same exact way.....yeah, the dream.



To Be:

*ME. without apology.
*unrelenting
*STRONG
*free
*happy
*safe
*beautiful
*honest not only to others but to MYSELF

*L O V E D




...........and you????

worth

What is your worth??

I dont know that anyone should ever REALLY ask this question.. i think its completely different to ask it to yourself than it is to ask it of others.  you may never really know what truly is.  thats life.  thats living.  that really IS part of figuring out WHO you are.  unfortunately, I am like most people.. I base my worth off of what others think of me.  off of how i am of use to others lives.  the impact I have on others lives, how I am useful in others' successes, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, distraction from reality and really where I seem to fit in to THEIR lives.
When do you really face reality that your worth is only what you make it??   When do you REALLY take charge of your happiness and decide that you are really WORTH the fight??
I am really there.  I am figuring out my worth.  And yeah, it may not be much,  but it is MINE.  and I'll be damned to have little to no impact on the outcome of this.  its way too valuable.
My Dad always told me to "treat others how you want to be treated".  Really, Dad?!  Sooooo much easier said than done!
I might be the worst person I know in regards to these words of wisdom.  Not in the assumed way.  But that I don't think I really ALLOW myself to be treated the way I treat others.  I have a genuine love for the people I surround myself with.  I absolutely LOVE my friends. They are so meaningful to me.  I have always been picky about the people I surround myself with.  I think that this part of life only gets more and more complicated and valuable the older you get.
OLDER-yep  I'm so there.  the fact that I am the age that i am and literally starting over is so frightening yet freeing at the same time.  You go on this path of "knowing" what you want.  "knowing that this is your destiny- just to figure out that YOU. HAD. NO. IDEA.
wow- where do you even begin to start over again.  Who do you turn to to figure out what happened with the life you had planned for so long.  Worked so hard for and NEVER thought for a fleeting second would ever go away.

I'm there.

and absolutely

lost.

when will I FINALLY feel what I've always wanted to feel.
With no consequences. With no regret. Just taken at face value.

the good, the bad, the ugly.
the damaged, used, abused.
the needy, self conscious, frightened.
the loving, caring, selfless.
the fun, free and living out loud.

the unknown in me that will always be there. no matter where I am I will be in this place of questioning my worth. its inevitable. be it caused by my past, present, or literally my gender- I may always be a mess. I think the best way to describe me would be a "hot mess"
yeah- I'll take that.
for now.

but I will find my worth.
i will know where I lie.
and i will be in awe of it.
someday

but for now........I have no fucking clue.