worth

What is your worth??

I dont know that anyone should ever REALLY ask this question.. i think its completely different to ask it to yourself than it is to ask it of others.  you may never really know what truly is.  thats life.  thats living.  that really IS part of figuring out WHO you are.  unfortunately, I am like most people.. I base my worth off of what others think of me.  off of how i am of use to others lives.  the impact I have on others lives, how I am useful in others' successes, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, distraction from reality and really where I seem to fit in to THEIR lives.
When do you really face reality that your worth is only what you make it??   When do you REALLY take charge of your happiness and decide that you are really WORTH the fight??
I am really there.  I am figuring out my worth.  And yeah, it may not be much,  but it is MINE.  and I'll be damned to have little to no impact on the outcome of this.  its way too valuable.
My Dad always told me to "treat others how you want to be treated".  Really, Dad?!  Sooooo much easier said than done!
I might be the worst person I know in regards to these words of wisdom.  Not in the assumed way.  But that I don't think I really ALLOW myself to be treated the way I treat others.  I have a genuine love for the people I surround myself with.  I absolutely LOVE my friends. They are so meaningful to me.  I have always been picky about the people I surround myself with.  I think that this part of life only gets more and more complicated and valuable the older you get.
OLDER-yep  I'm so there.  the fact that I am the age that i am and literally starting over is so frightening yet freeing at the same time.  You go on this path of "knowing" what you want.  "knowing that this is your destiny- just to figure out that YOU. HAD. NO. IDEA.
wow- where do you even begin to start over again.  Who do you turn to to figure out what happened with the life you had planned for so long.  Worked so hard for and NEVER thought for a fleeting second would ever go away.

I'm there.

and absolutely

lost.

when will I FINALLY feel what I've always wanted to feel.
With no consequences. With no regret. Just taken at face value.

the good, the bad, the ugly.
the damaged, used, abused.
the needy, self conscious, frightened.
the loving, caring, selfless.
the fun, free and living out loud.

the unknown in me that will always be there. no matter where I am I will be in this place of questioning my worth. its inevitable. be it caused by my past, present, or literally my gender- I may always be a mess. I think the best way to describe me would be a "hot mess"
yeah- I'll take that.
for now.

but I will find my worth.
i will know where I lie.
and i will be in awe of it.
someday

but for now........I have no fucking clue.