survive

I found this on Tumblr and immediately sent it out to some of the awesome people in my life.

find your therapy

I realized today that i engulf myself in blogging when i seem to be going through something traumatic or overly emotional  

....this fucking blog is my therapy

it just hit me. 

i started my first blog, kandjlewis.blogspot.com, it was during my pregnancy with my first son, Parker.  that blog ended when my dad had his accident and passed.

and now ive started this one as i go through a roller coaster of a year (to put it insanely mildly)

so when i was told that i couldn't start a blog until i had a theme or vibe in mind and i did it anyway...it was because THIS is what its about- getting better with    me

DFS doesn't even begin to describe it.  

glow

kick ass

I have this incredible drive right now to find "happy".  its hard to figure out the older you get and the more you change.  im pretty sure that when I was little,  "happy" was anywhere i was with my sisters.  any place that we were just able to play and BE kids was happy.  

no yelling, no fighting, no judgement, no fear, just Happy.  

through my entire educational career i was always, as my fifth grade teacher put it in one of my parent/teacher conferences, "a social butterfly".  so naturally, i was happy with friends.  i was (and may still be) a perpetual people pleaser.  this lead me to compete.  constantly.  i didnt just compete in the social realm, i was also extremely competitive in a physical way in sports.  i played a sport every season of the year as soon as i was old enough to.  "kick ass and take names" as my dad would constantly encourage me.  

i fought mentally to stay strong while i watched my parents marriage implode.  strong while my mom focused her jealous anger at me because my dad loved me so much that she felt threatened by it and had to mentally tear me apart every chance she had.  strong while i kept her secret affairs that i witnessed with my own eyes, hidden from everyone because she threatened my life and the happiness of my family if i ever let that secret out.  the whole time still competing with her drug addiction.  for her love.  for the real her.  

when she left us.  i shut down.  i really dont remember much from that chunk of time.  although it turned into a roughly 6 year blur- I survived it.  and that made me feel a twinge of pride.

pride in survival, pride in being strong enough to "make it through".  

that pride has become this sort of monster that makes me feel like failure is not even close to an 

option.  it has created self doubt, sef conciousness, and at times a good case (or ten) of the crazies.  

i am struggling to find a new comfort zone now.  i thought i had it in a husband, a home, a family, plenty of friends, a job that allowed a sense of comfort, and pride in...(my act was TIGHT!)  

now it seems as though one by one i have seen these go away. FAST.  

i am grasping to hold on to some piece of "me" that kept the life i had together.

strength has kinda always been my thing- and i lost that....until recently.

i am done waiting on others- i am going to be happy.  to FIND happy.  

as scary as that may be- i am ready.  

i am taking a step back, in a way.  back to my uber competitive days where i just fought constantly to BE STRONG.  i may be competing in a new environment but im used to fighting.  i just needed to allow myself to be weak for a while.  you cant be strong all the time.  its exhausting.  you cant be present in the moment and really soak in what youre experiencing: good or bad.  and arent those experiences what have made us who we are?  its strange to say it but im excited to take the challenge.  i have had to really be honest with the people i have been effected by the last year about where i am.  thats not fun to go through on either end.  but how can you expect to not have regrets down the road if youre not honest about how you feel right now?

i dont have the answers. 

i just know that i am ready to live my life passionately. intensely. honestly and fully.       

im ready to kick ass and take names again. 

   

balancing act

i would credit this piece but i honestly cant remember where i found it- dont sue me! 

one of FOUR.

it must be nice to just sway back and forth in life.  to be there when it fits into your schedule.  to take advantage of someone who needs a friend, a companion, love.  

just to sever the connection without a thought to what you said.  

what you implied.  

what you were part of.   

i will never understand the ability to just LEAVE. 

to just sever a connection.

to assume that it will be easy and unforeign to all parties involved.

I hope to never inflict what pain this causes to another person in my lifetime. 

in reality....its just CRUEL.

 think BEYOND yourself.

own who you REALLY are.  

own IT.  

........be fucking AUTHENTIC (impeccable) WITH YOUR WORD.

only three???

one of my favorite customers gave me this silly little "homework assignment" yesterday

- come to work tomorrow with your THREE all time favorite songs

WTF??

choose just THREE??

ALL TIME???

pisshhaaawwww!!!!

so naturally, much like i have done in all of my academic endeavors, i procrastinated.  which, in one day, doesn't buy you ANY time.  

so when he came by the next day, literally bouncing to hear our faves, i told him i didn't do it.

i just "forgot"

truth is, 

i don't want to share that with anyone.

thats MINE

those songs mean so much to me- and there are many more than just THREE- so why would I put myself out there to anyone??  music is more than that.  it is ever-changing, it means more or less to you depending on what you're dealing with or going through at any one particular time.  so- i fudged them some.

blah blah blah....

Doobie Brothers "without love"- for Dad.

then for nostalgic reasons: "amber" by 311 (yeah, I'm old- i get it)

anything recent by Miguel (dreamy sigh)

and then derrrrr, afterwards though of one of my faves- John mayer (don't hate)

dont know what it is- maybe the INCREDIBLE way the boy plays the guitar, or the lyrics, or something else, but I LOVE THIS SONG!!! yeah, I've heard he's kinda a prick- but seriously...if the first 30 seconds of this song don't make you need to just BREATHE in and out ONCE- then you're an asshole. 

http://youtu.be/Bn0NLQI-l08

(yeah- a LINK.  I'm still a moron when it comes to this blog thing- so if you know how to post an actual effing video from youtube to this using my ipad, id love to hear it)

what i am thinking RIGHT NOW

i think that life is just a big mind fuck.

you go through it wondering "why", that transitions to 

"why, not" which only leads to 

"why the fuck"

you think that youre doing it "right"

being good at everything that society tells you youre supposed to be good at

be smart

be GOOD LOOKING

be loyal

be honest

be fun

be charming

be carefree

be PERFECT

be selfless

be everything to everyone, all the time. 

...but what does that get YOU??

good fucking question 

ps- i literally wrote "be selfless" FOUR FUCKING TIMES before I edited this..... 

wonder what I've been focused on BEING......

yet, still not enough.  awesome.  

"i want you to be all mine"

well okay, 

but do you mind

if i keep some of myself,

for myself

so that when you leave me

there is still something left?

-Jackson Lange

........overwhelmed

it was over a year ago that I heard this song for the first time.  i had no idea what kind of feelings it would bring up in just hearing it now.  

the memories of feelings.  

the realizations that i've lost what attaches me to these happy things.   

the first time i heard this song, i had one of those moments that i didn't know happened when it did.  one of those "if i only knew then what i know now" kind of moments.  

unfortunately, I now know that i knew love in this.

in pain i know that im grateful that i had it.

http://youtu.be/hqJ8hFgYwVg

ps- sorry I only have a link- haven't figured out how to post the actual video on here yet.  meh.