coming home

 i havent written on this for a while.  ive made several different excuses up in my head.  some are the obvious- too busy, too much stress, broken keyboard, blah blah blah.  even though these are all valid excuses, the biggest one was that i was LIVING.  

finally- I have a home.  

this is a very sensitive subject for me to touch and that could be the biggest (and most valid) excuse that i have. 

i grew up in a small house with my three sisters and parents for the majority of my life.  close to a small airport and even closer to a railroad line.  the sounds and sights of planes cutting through the air and the vibrations of the windows and loud sounding horn blasts of the trains have always comforted me in a way.  we would play with the nighborhood kids on our bikes during summer days then have campouts in the backyard at night.  my sisters and i made up games outside- they always involved using our imaginations and made us feel free.  the roof leaked, all four of us shared one bedroom most of the time and one bathroom.  yep- four girls, one bathroom.  there was a red brick fireplace in the livingroom that was prime real estate in the winter time.  we didnt have a basement so you were always near someone.  it was our home.

when my dad had his accident, for reasons my sisters and i fought whole heartedly and in the end had no control over, we lost our home.  there were very few things we were able to retain except the most valuable thing we had: the memories we built together there.  

before we lost it, most of my sisters and i had moved out.  grown up. and begun finding our own places to build our own stories.  my dad always kept the doors open to us if we ever needed to come back though.  it was all of our home- he made sure that we knew that.

when i got married, we bought our first home just over a year later.  it was perfect.  small, charming, cozy and ours.  we worked on small projects; painted every room, installed new lights, grew a garden, had a patio and a back yard for our dogs then started a family to share it wiith.  i put love in every decoration i placed on a shelf and was proud to call it ours.

again, for reasons i had little control over, i had to leave my home.

i found a place and moved out in three weeks.  it was a scramble of what i was trying to live through day to day and at the same time start fresh on my own.  i found an apartment on the opposite end of town, moved what i could with the help of a few close friends, set up a bedroom for the kids and made it work.  when my lease was up a year later- even though i knew it would be tough, i also knew that it was time to stop surviving through what i cant control and make my own home.  

i searched for a while and was picky.  its kinda my thing.  then- i found it....

this is my home.

I'm here and im happy.   

this is my life and i am taking charge of it. 

decor and all.