I WANT

love the idea of this post- i think this is one of the ones I can go back to several times a year and just reflect of what I have down, retype it, think about it and seriously THINK about. kinda nice to just be called out every now and then by yourself.




To have:

*a home
*someone to share it with
*happiness
*FUN
*knowledge in what I want and how to get there
*drive


To see:

*more than ever thought possible
*myself
*how far i can be pushed. by myself and those around me
*a sunset. in the arms of someone who will NEVER let me go
*my babies grow up happy, healthy, loved and knowledgeable
*tomorrow CLEARLY

To know

*what i really WANT
*who i really want
*how to stand up for myself
*who I am now that i am not "me" anymore
*how to speak clearly, accurately, honestly and without regret


To go:

*AWAY
*more specifically: FAR AWAY.
I've always had this desire to travel.
not just a little distance, I'm talking three layovers, stuck in an airport for 8 hours only to arrive in an amazing place that you would never believe you were seeing in person. in absolute AWE of your environment. i want to be brought to tears with what I am seeing, experiencing, and doing. I want to be lost in translation. put in a place that makes me take a breath and BE THERE. not other choice but to BE.
and if I could share it with someone who, without speaking a word to eachother, knew exactly how I felt at that moment only because they felt the same exact way.....yeah, the dream.



To Be:

*ME. without apology.
*unrelenting
*STRONG
*free
*happy
*safe
*beautiful
*honest not only to others but to MYSELF

*L O V E D




...........and you????

worth

What is your worth??

I dont know that anyone should ever REALLY ask this question.. i think its completely different to ask it to yourself than it is to ask it of others.  you may never really know what truly is.  thats life.  thats living.  that really IS part of figuring out WHO you are.  unfortunately, I am like most people.. I base my worth off of what others think of me.  off of how i am of use to others lives.  the impact I have on others lives, how I am useful in others' successes, happiness, fulfillment, comfort, distraction from reality and really where I seem to fit in to THEIR lives.
When do you really face reality that your worth is only what you make it??   When do you REALLY take charge of your happiness and decide that you are really WORTH the fight??
I am really there.  I am figuring out my worth.  And yeah, it may not be much,  but it is MINE.  and I'll be damned to have little to no impact on the outcome of this.  its way too valuable.
My Dad always told me to "treat others how you want to be treated".  Really, Dad?!  Sooooo much easier said than done!
I might be the worst person I know in regards to these words of wisdom.  Not in the assumed way.  But that I don't think I really ALLOW myself to be treated the way I treat others.  I have a genuine love for the people I surround myself with.  I absolutely LOVE my friends. They are so meaningful to me.  I have always been picky about the people I surround myself with.  I think that this part of life only gets more and more complicated and valuable the older you get.
OLDER-yep  I'm so there.  the fact that I am the age that i am and literally starting over is so frightening yet freeing at the same time.  You go on this path of "knowing" what you want.  "knowing that this is your destiny- just to figure out that YOU. HAD. NO. IDEA.
wow- where do you even begin to start over again.  Who do you turn to to figure out what happened with the life you had planned for so long.  Worked so hard for and NEVER thought for a fleeting second would ever go away.

I'm there.

and absolutely

lost.

when will I FINALLY feel what I've always wanted to feel.
With no consequences. With no regret. Just taken at face value.

the good, the bad, the ugly.
the damaged, used, abused.
the needy, self conscious, frightened.
the loving, caring, selfless.
the fun, free and living out loud.

the unknown in me that will always be there. no matter where I am I will be in this place of questioning my worth. its inevitable. be it caused by my past, present, or literally my gender- I may always be a mess. I think the best way to describe me would be a "hot mess"
yeah- I'll take that.
for now.

but I will find my worth.
i will know where I lie.
and i will be in awe of it.
someday

but for now........I have no fucking clue.

day of LOVE?

Today is Valentines day.  ugh.....

I think this is such a strange "holiday". pretty sure it was created so that candy and card companies, florists, and any business selling or involved in any form of contraception, can make a BOATLOAD of money. 
then in the days following this "holiday", they can make even MORE money from all the poor saps that screwed up the first time around trying to make it up to their significant other. 
Sigh....here I go 
but it also has got me thinking a lot about LOVE. 
oh, crap......
I was asked several times in the last year what it is that I WANT.
simple, right?  yeah, not so much.  literally three things that I  have always wanted.

*to be LOVED
*to be WANTED
*to be HAPPY


pretty sure these three things can all be lumped into one but I am also pretty sure that each one is so much more complicated than the word implies.  love.  such a simple, unintimidating set of 4 little letters.  that when placed in such a way, can become so complex, so full, so sweet, and so hard to explain. 
Not only do I want these three "little" things, I am now realizing that I need them.  I have to demand them.
how the hell do you demand something from someone that you are trying to figure out the meaning of?  when what those things are and how to show them is constantly changing? 

you don't demand them.

you earn them
you communicate what you need right now
and if that is too much you figure it out together. 

I am learning.  I am trying to figure out how to allow myself to be loved.  figuring out what that means.  not just demanding that of others but of myself. 

screw "love languages".  we all have the same one- COMMUNICATION.  its the most difficult thing to learn.  but its so vital in love. 

I know that I want to be heard.  I want to listen.  I want to laugh.  I want the physical and emotional bond that only real love can bring.  the kind that you think about all day.  that makes you smile at random times.  I need that. we all do.  we just have to figure out HOW. 

Easier said than done, huh?


Except with love like this......

                                                           


 

passion

 passion. 
what does that mean? 
this is something I've been really trying to challenge myself to honestly think about lately.  there are, in my opinion, different definitions of this word to different people.  it changes.  in looking into the literal meaning of the word, it isn't defined exactly either.  which makes me feel comforted in my own confusion in my passions and how they seem to differ so greatly.
i don't think you ever really focus on your true passions unless you are in some way, forced to by some greater force than you.  I don't know that the force that has made me think of my passions is greater than me, but it does effect me.  it does take a part of me.  it really does make me who I am.  I know that I have always craved this control over my life and where it is going.  What it entails.  What excites me and fulfills me.  I don't know that I will ever be set in that again.  What I do KNOW is that I am going to be truly PASSIONATE.  any way I can.  I need that.  everyone does.  it is your human right- to live passionately.  and if you don't know how- figure it the FUCK out!

Etymology

Via French, from Latin passio ("suffering"), noun of action from perfect passive participle passus ("suffered"), from deponent verbpati ("suffer").

[edit]

.........Yep.

the beginning?

This is the second time I have started a blog.  The first one I wrote documented the beginning of  a new life.  A life as a mom.  I had no idea what I was doing with that blog, or really, this one either.  I just know that getting my thoughts, feelings, interests, questions and observations about my life and what it entails feels like a good idea right now.  I know I wont write all the time.  And when I do, it may not flow or make much sense.  But it will be me.  As authentically as I know how at this moment. 
My life, again, is starting a new chapter.  I feel a lot like I did when I was preparing for motherhood.  Scared, lost, excited, challenged, overwhelmed.  But this time, the focus has shifted. 

 

pretty little number, isn't she?