...much needed

I needed this time today.

my bike, headphones, water and helmet.  

just me, my thoughts and a trail.

i know ive been putting time off for me lately.  ive been too busy playing "catch-up" with life that it seems like ive forgotten to just sit and breathe.

im an expert at avoiding all that i have stirring in my head.  all the things that im figuring out i cannot avoid any longer.  things that have done nothing but become sandbags tied to my feet.  

i have to keep moving forward.

half way through my ride, i pulled off the trail and down to the river.  leaned my bike against a tree and 

just sat.  alone.  it was perfect.

  

i think i rode just under 11 miles and somehow, when i turned around to finish up my ride i realized that i was going so much faster than i had been going the entire first half of my ride.  it had nothing to do with the grade of the trail, catching a "second wind" or even figuring out which gear to be in.

i felt lighter.  

just taking time to really be present and allow myself to really breathe somehow shed some of the weight that i (and only i) keep allowing myself to carry around every single day.

i couldn't stop smiling. 

and i didn't want to stop riding.

warmth

I swear that I will actually write something soon.  just can't stop reading this though 

fer serious!!

survive

I found this on Tumblr and immediately sent it out to some of the awesome people in my life.

heather hansen

http://www.behance.net/gallery/Emptied-Gestures/10063335

wholeness

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. 

The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. 

It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. 

We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. 

Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. 

Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. 

Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. 

Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”

-Hugh Mackay

find your therapy

I realized today that i engulf myself in blogging when i seem to be going through something traumatic or overly emotional  

....this fucking blog is my therapy

it just hit me. 

i started my first blog, kandjlewis.blogspot.com, it was during my pregnancy with my first son, Parker.  that blog ended when my dad had his accident and passed.

and now ive started this one as i go through a roller coaster of a year (to put it insanely mildly)

so when i was told that i couldn't start a blog until i had a theme or vibe in mind and i did it anyway...it was because THIS is what its about- getting better with    me

DFS doesn't even begin to describe it.  

Stateless - Bloodstream

glow

fin

here he is.....

kick ass

I have this incredible drive right now to find "happy".  its hard to figure out the older you get and the more you change.  im pretty sure that when I was little,  "happy" was anywhere i was with my sisters.  any place that we were just able to play and BE kids was happy.  

no yelling, no fighting, no judgement, no fear, just Happy.  

through my entire educational career i was always, as my fifth grade teacher put it in one of my parent/teacher conferences, "a social butterfly".  so naturally, i was happy with friends.  i was (and may still be) a perpetual people pleaser.  this lead me to compete.  constantly.  i didnt just compete in the social realm, i was also extremely competitive in a physical way in sports.  i played a sport every season of the year as soon as i was old enough to.  "kick ass and take names" as my dad would constantly encourage me.  

i fought mentally to stay strong while i watched my parents marriage implode.  strong while my mom focused her jealous anger at me because my dad loved me so much that she felt threatened by it and had to mentally tear me apart every chance she had.  strong while i kept her secret affairs that i witnessed with my own eyes, hidden from everyone because she threatened my life and the happiness of my family if i ever let that secret out.  the whole time still competing with her drug addiction.  for her love.  for the real her.  

when she left us.  i shut down.  i really dont remember much from that chunk of time.  although it turned into a roughly 6 year blur- I survived it.  and that made me feel a twinge of pride.

pride in survival, pride in being strong enough to "make it through".  

that pride has become this sort of monster that makes me feel like failure is not even close to an 

option.  it has created self doubt, sef conciousness, and at times a good case (or ten) of the crazies.  

i am struggling to find a new comfort zone now.  i thought i had it in a husband, a home, a family, plenty of friends, a job that allowed a sense of comfort, and pride in...(my act was TIGHT!)  

now it seems as though one by one i have seen these go away. FAST.  

i am grasping to hold on to some piece of "me" that kept the life i had together.

strength has kinda always been my thing- and i lost that....until recently.

i am done waiting on others- i am going to be happy.  to FIND happy.  

as scary as that may be- i am ready.  

i am taking a step back, in a way.  back to my uber competitive days where i just fought constantly to BE STRONG.  i may be competing in a new environment but im used to fighting.  i just needed to allow myself to be weak for a while.  you cant be strong all the time.  its exhausting.  you cant be present in the moment and really soak in what youre experiencing: good or bad.  and arent those experiences what have made us who we are?  its strange to say it but im excited to take the challenge.  i have had to really be honest with the people i have been effected by the last year about where i am.  thats not fun to go through on either end.  but how can you expect to not have regrets down the road if youre not honest about how you feel right now?

i dont have the answers. 

i just know that i am ready to live my life passionately. intensely. honestly and fully.       

im ready to kick ass and take names again. 

   

“Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”

— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

kitty war

i need a cat.

screw starting a new commitment to a furball- we...lets get real, I need a snuggle buddy, friend, and one more thing dependent on me to survive.

story still developing.  

but in the meantime, for entertainment purposes, here are a few names my kiddos gave me that they feel are great for kitties...

Parker (4 1/2)

Orange Light

Orange Light Seastar

Sea Star

Orange

(....are we seeing a pattern here?)

Cutie Kitty

Scrouch (so good)

Strawberry

Grumble

Troll

King of the World

"               " Kitties

"               "Cat tails

Ava (2 1/2)

Hello Kitty

Poopsie 2  (they knew a poopsie 1 at some time)

Pink

Cutie

"ING" - as strange and unusual, i like it!

Ava.......(naturally)

So- i need VOTES!!! or other ideas.  ya know, just in case some poor, stray, adorable, fuzzy thing needs a loving home anytime soon.       :)

E're day

http://www.etsy.com/listing/119482900/gold-foil-hustle-print

real love

the good and bad thing about the location of my coffee shop, is that you see so many stories, REAL stories acting out right in front of you.  

from the exhausted new dad dragging his feet behind him yet in his face you see that he is buzzed with excitement that his nine months of waiting to meet his new baby has finally paid off.  that  he now knows what everyone meant by "you never know real love until..." to the also exhausted hospital employee who has worked way too much for way too long and wants to make sure you know it.

ive see the good, the bad and the ugly.  

then you see this...

i have worked at the hospital for almost 9 years.  this touches me in a way that has only happened a handful of times.

i may be extra sensitive to this because of all the personal stuff I have going on as of late, but really- how do you not when you start to REALLY pay attention to what is going on.

this is a son and his Mom.

that is litterally as much as i know for fact about them.  but im a people watcher by nature and ive been able to pick up on other things going on here.  she is frail.  she is weak.  her husband holds her arm as they walk in to the hospital on a  regular basis. he feeds her 3 of her medications at noon and orders her a cup of ice water and an empty 4 oz sampler cup along with his 20oz drip coffee with room for cream.  he pours her 2 oz of coffee from his cup into that liittle cup for her.  then he grabs the cream and sugar and mixes them in that tiny cup in front of her so she can have it just the way she wants.  then helping her hold the cup up to drink.  i assume she is too weak to do much of this on her own because all the while, she just sits in the chair.  he touches her back and holds her hand.  they dont say much because when she talks, she coughs.  

in the last week, i have caught on that she has two sons.  very attractive young men who walk right in to the shop and over to her- give her a kiss and look her right in the eye as they just grab her hand and hold it.  they sit.  

this goes on for a couple hours.  they seem to own some kind of business and aren't from here because whatever is going on here is causing them to work on their laptops, or take phone calls at times while they sit.  but the focus shifts only momentarily.  when one of them leaves, the other one quietly scoots closer to her and then this.  just an arm around her frail body.  

i watched them for so long today.  

I was working alone and it was a quiet afternoon.  i wanted to ask what their story was but it really doesnt matter because they have eachother.  they are present.  they are all THERE for her.

I dont need to tell her that she has that but i want to know her- i want to be able to tell her boys (all three of them) that i am blown away by this real LOVE.  but its not my business.  

i am honestly lucky to observe what this kind of real love looks like.  

mah bike!!

here it is!

I DID THIS!!  schmeriously, ME!

ill admit, i DID have some serious help getting this little beast created from an uber bike-savvy person i know, along with all the tools, supplies and hardware required from this cute little local non profit called pedals 2 people......  such a cool place.  its full of boxes of every part you could need to fix up your ride-(road, mountain, fixie, cruiser or otherwise) along with at least 3 cans of open grease containers, 2 sets of bike holders/stations, a full ROOM of wheels, a lobby full of frames and finished bikes that you can buy, FREE kids bikes that have been donated then fixed up and made sure to be safe then donated back to the public, a few new parts and accesories, a couple walls full of all kinds of crazy tools whose purpose is solely to tighten one small bracket, post, bolt, crank, or gear (bike vocab! ....i think) and, if your lucky, a little bit of dirty biker eye candy.   

this place is one of the great things that Spokanites have and dont realize they have. 

http://www.pedals2people.org/

i build this out of SCRAPS!  i only needed to buy a few small things new along with some security precautions, a helmet and a wee splurge in the way of some PURPLE handle bar tape (on order-i will post a pic when ive accesorized properly) 

is it not icredible that there are so many things that we have around us just waiting to be used again?!  they just need a little love, grease and crankin! (but dont we all?) 

anywho-

i built my bike in hopes of:

1. getting my ass in shape

2. showing my kids that Mom is "cool" and not everyhting FUN involves the tv, controllers or the internet.

3. being less of a consumer

4. being outside more

5. having a hobby/toy that i know the ins and out of and am able to adjust it to fit me and my needs

6. going FAST.  feeling light. 

7. showing myself that i can do this

8. honestly, feeling like a super bad-ass chick.  srsly.  

i live in a great place to try this out.  

im excited!!

and if you see my pushing my bike uphill aka: my "third gear" 

then- just cheer me on and dont run me over....please.  

balancing act

i would credit this piece but i honestly cant remember where i found it- dont sue me! 

one of FOUR.

it must be nice to just sway back and forth in life.  to be there when it fits into your schedule.  to take advantage of someone who needs a friend, a companion, love.  

just to sever the connection without a thought to what you said.  

what you implied.  

what you were part of.   

i will never understand the ability to just LEAVE. 

to just sever a connection.

to assume that it will be easy and unforeign to all parties involved.

I hope to never inflict what pain this causes to another person in my lifetime. 

in reality....its just CRUEL.

 think BEYOND yourself.

own who you REALLY are.  

own IT.  

........be fucking AUTHENTIC (impeccable) WITH YOUR WORD.

take me here....

submit

i would never describe myself as modest yet i wouldnt say i was uber confident either.  but now is the time that i push myself to figure out my limits.  i have always been an extremely brave person but bravery doesn't always result in confidence.  and though i will more than likely never meet or have the honor of being part of this incredibly beautiful artists work-  http://spencertunick.com/   i have officially signed up to do so if the chance ever came to me.  it may seem silly to feel pride in just typing my name and info in and hitting SUBMIT, but i do! 

this is out of my comfort zone, to put myself out there like that- but how incredibly beautiful is this....

and i want to be part of that kind of beauty.  

so i hit submit